The Audacity of Hope

For the past few months (though it feels more like years) I've been nursing (or attempting to nurse) a broken heart back to health. It's been more difficult than I ever could have imagined to just forget. I wish I could wake up some mornings with no memory of him or be able to say his name unattached to feelings of anger, regret, or even an occasional sense of longing. Most days I feel strong, patting myself on the back for "surviving" such a blow and learning from it, but other days I feel so weak and baffled by the fact that someone had and kind of still has a power over me. I'm surprised at how I ever allowed myself to be so wide open, so transparent and vulnerable. At the time I was proud of how real I was being, in hopes and confident that it would be reciprocated, only to have those hopes be met with vague declarations and misleading actions. The first time I let my guard down in all of my 22 years, I got my heart smashed. And I DO NOT give my love to just anyone. He was the first. For the first time I was sure, and any doubts that I had I pushed to the back of mind, assuring myself that everything would work itself out. For once I didn't calculate the risk but I embraced it.

I'm not writing this post for any kind of sympathy. I'm writing it for liberation. I'm not immune to heartache. It comes to even the best of us. Disappointment is written in the birthright of the human race. I understand that. But my recent disposition (since the "incident"), which is not being the least bit interested in guys or the semblance of a relationship (even with really nice guys) had me worried that I would never feel the way I felt about him ever again . . . until today. Today I watched the movie Someone Like You starring Ashley Judd, Greg Kinnear and Hugh Jackman. I had some time on my hands, so I decided to watch a movie on the Internet. I was in the mood for something lighthearted. I had no idea though that the film would change my attitude and perspective about my current predicament.

Movie in a nutshell: Ashley Judd's character falls for one of her co-workers (Greg Kinnear) who is actually in a relationship with another woman. Eventually the man, Ray, leaves his girlfriend and starts a new relationship with Ashley Judd's character. Everything is beautiful and love is grand until one day Ray abruptly ends everything without explanation. Ashley Judd's character soon comes to learn that Ray's ex-girlfriend/now current girlfriend is she and Ray's superior at work, making the situation even more heartbreaking. Judd's character is crushed for months to come until one day her male roommate (Hugh Jackman) makes a simple statement to her that resonated within me. He said to the teary-eyed woman, "Ray is not the last man you will ever love." And for the first time in months, I believed the same for myself.


I don't miss him. I miss me. I miss my optimism that has been replaced by cynicism. I don't like the person I've become. She's cold, and unaffected, and . . . hurt. She's counting down the days until her heart will smile and sing again. She's not ready to get back in the saddle just yet. It's still taking time, but she's holding onto the belief that one day (prayerfully sooner than later) she'll wake up and unexpectedly be reunited with her former self. Despite the depth of hurt, she dares to hope.